mychai's Diaryland Diary

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Spam, Spam, Spam, Baked Beans and Spam!

Happy Veteran's Day!

I celebrated by waking up to HBO's "We Stand Alone Together," about Easy Company in WWII. I watched it, got a little teary-eyed, and moved on to stuff on my TiVo.

Now the TV is on in the background, and there are some interesting commercials being played that I have never heard before. One of them is a Spam commercial. I guess when watching, it would seem like a normal commercial. But listening to it in the background, it sounds like this:

Wife: Honey, we don't have anything to eat, and I am hungry.
Hubby: I think we should have SPAM!!!
Wife: Oh, I think SPAM!!! would be delightful. But what can you do with SPAM!!!?
Hubby: Well, with SPAM!!!, you can grill it, sautee it, and you can even make SPAM!!! sandwiches. SPAM!!! can be eaten any way you want.

Yeah. We get the point. You are selling Spam.

I used to be a Spam afficionado. I cooked Spam any way you could think possible. My favorite way was a Spam Patty Melt. Oh my sweet God, was that ever good.

But shooting up to a weight of 215 allowed me to realize that Spam is not really suitable for human consumption. It's good and everything. You can do a lot with it. But if you want your ticker to keep going past age 30, it is probably best to eat it with extreme moderation. Like, once every decade or something.

...

One other commercial that they play every year for Christmas but I kinda like is the Ace Hardware comercial that sings the "'Tis the Season" song with the guy that gets frustrated. It sounds like:

'Tis the season to be jolly! Fa la la la la, la... Laaaa! LAAAAA!

I get my little shits and giggles every time I hear that commercial. Then, I spend the next five minutes singing it, no doubt annoying everyone around me.

This is the Christmas ad I like. Let me savor the holidays.


According to CNN, it's a good thing that I am leaving mid-Missouri.

From this article, my sperm count is "significantly poorer" than someone who is in, say, New York. Here is a direct quote from the lead:

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (AP) -- A study has found the quality of semen significantly poorer in men from rural mid-Missouri than in males from urban areas, and its authors believe agricultural chemicals might explain the difference.

Now, the scary part is that I live in Mid-Missouri. By the time I leave here next May, I will have been here for five years. The town is Columbia, the county of Boone.

Fertile men from mid-Missouri's Boone County were found to have a mean sperm count of about 59 million per milliliter, compared to 103 million for men in New York, 99 million in Minnesota and 81 million in Los Angeles. The sperm of the Boone County men also tended to be less vigorous, the study found.

Ack!

I am almost HALF AS FERTILE as someone from the great city of New York. HALF!!! That means...

That means...

hehe That means that I need to start practicing my Joey from Friends impression: "How you doin'?"

Be-with-many-girls-and-not-have-anything-to-worry-about jokes aside, this is very scary. I do want kids one day. Granted, I only want one or two. But I want to be fully... "there" when the time comes. Back in the '70s, they had similar problems with DDT and the bald eagle population. The "agricultural chemicals" caused the eagles' eggs to be "less vigorous" in fighting off cracks.

The result? Eagles were almost wiped out completely.

Can we imagine the world with no more JP genes floating around? Is this a very convincing reason to make the switch to organic food?

Darn tootin'.


Well, I need to go. It's been a long day, and I have an equally long one tomorrow. I have to write a 15-page story by Wednesday, and I haven't even started.

I've written much of it in my head. It just takes time to write it out.

I hate closing these diary entries. I never know what to write. So...

Umm...

Bye.

10:33 p.m. - Mon., Nov. 11, 2002

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