mychai's Diaryland Diary

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I did my income tax today...

The following booklet will guide you through the steps of filling out IRS Form 1040X: Amended U.S. Individual Income Tax Return, OMB Number 1545-0091. You must fill this form out if, and only if:

1. You are head of household, and the average of your spouse and all dependents' ages is 16, including subtracting the age in human years of any pets (see table 24-1 on page 47)
2. If the change is due to a correction on Form 1372, Line 12, Subset A, you must first send in a request, handwritten in mirrored fashion, before filling out 1040X, unless Form 1372 had a red scratch under the second letter under paragraph 98a(i), in which case just fill out 1040X from the bottom to the top.
3. If you are filing the amended tax form because of charitable donations you forgot about, first call said charities and ask for your money back. Direct them to U.S. Law #981732-1222.33--2. If they don't comply, say please.
4. If you are filling out the amended tax form on a Wednesday evening, you must stop, under penalty of law, and wait for Thursday. Unless you fill out Form 99JWXsilentQ: Permission to fill out 1040X On a Wednesday. This will add 14 weeks to the amount of time to process your refile. See page 539 in your information packet for more information on where to order these forms.
5. To skip all processing and to just have the IRS send you a blank check, look on page
6. Otherwise, proceed.

If your filing status is "married filing jointly," you are wasting your time. Unless you (and your spouse if married) were under 65 on or before January 1, and not blind at the end of 2001. If you forsee being blind at the end of 2003, you reserve the right to be prosecuted.

Instructions:

Print out all answers on a Lexmark #2 lead fountain pencil. Do not erase anything. No dashes, unless referring to specific government forms. No hyphens in any manner (See page 12). Fill in circles completely. But do not fill in boxes. They are for the express purpose of "checking." Do not lie.

Complete workbook sections on pages 89-104 first before thinking of filling out line 1 on the actual form. After filling out all workbook questions to find the answer for line 1, only fill out even-numbered questions (beginning with line 5) until you have reached 4.

Under "Income and Deductions" section, Line 2, do not put "Itemized" deductions in the "Standardized" deductions field. But you may put the "Standardized Deductions" under both the "Itemized" deductions and "Itemized Deductions" fields, unless you were born under a full moon.

Make sure you subtract 10(a)LL-�-1 from line 2. Many people add.

Before filling out much of the form, go online and do a Google search for "How to Fill Out Form 1040X." If you do not have internet access, send a self-addressed, stamped, pre-sorted, registered size #10 letter to your congressman. He'll know what to do with it.

Under section 241(special section 'F'), entitled, "List all of your tips," DO NOT leave that line blank.

Leave line 710 blank if you blink more than 14,400 times per day. Otherwise, list how many times you blinked last Thursday and supply verification. If we think you are fibbing, you will be audited.

If your children are dependents, leave line 13 blank. If they are not dependents, fill out the workbook on page 149. Failure to do so will result in death by fire squad.

Add lines 59 and 10-F-lll(i). IF line 48 is greather than BUT NOT equal to line 88 in Leaflet 1088JQ then also add line 18. If it is equal OR MORE go back and start at the beginning because you did something wrong.

Look for instructions for line 12. They are nowhere to be found. You must fill out line 12 -- and add certified documentation signed by two Jewish witnesses -- to receive any type of refund.

If you need any assistance with this form, call 1-800-GOOD-LUCK. That number, for your convenience, is open every other Thursday for 10 minutes, we accept only one call, and it is usually from our mothers.

Thank you for utilizing the Internal Revenue Service. We enjoy your business! I hope you had fun filling out our forms.

Have a prosperous 2003. Failure to do so will result in prosecution with a maximum fine of $25,000 and 10 years in prison.

11:18 p.m. - Wed., Jan. 29, 2003

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