mychai's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- JP teaches his lucky date a naughty thing or two. If you're a regular reader of my diary, you should know that I don't normally update on the weekends. But, tonight, I have a good reason to update because I have some great (albeit rare) news to share: JP had himself a date tonight! I know, I just about died from shock myself! The girl I had the pleasure of spending the evening with is intelligent, soft-spoken, and shy. She has an adorable laugh and gorgeous eyes that just melts my heart when I look into them. She also gets excited over the cutest little things. And the best thing is that she's short. Since I'm no Shaquille O'Neal when it comes to vertical measurements, it's very important that the girls I go out with be short as well. When standing up in front of them, I like to look into their eyes, not stare at their boobies. Well, I do like to stare at boobies, but I usually wait until the second or third date to do that. Okay, okay. I usually wait until the second or third date to blantantly do that. I still manage to sneak a peek at my date's boobies on a first date. I love me some boobies, what can I say? Now, again, if you're a regular reader of my diary, by my description of my date, you might think that this girl was Nicole - the sweet, intelligent, hot girl (who has the most amazing set of boobages I have ever seen!) with whom I travelled throughout Canada last month - and that she came down to visit my poor, lonely, homesick self to cheer my ass up. Sadly enough, it wasn't her. So, who exactly was this little lady who was lucky enough to spend the evening with yours truly? Why it was none other than my niece, Darien! Ever since my sister's bum of a husband came crawling back to her on his Neanderthal hands and knees, they have been trying to work out their problems. Hey, here's a suggestion: get off your lazy ass and get a friggin' job and support my sister and your kid(s), you dumb ass! Unfortunately, it's a bit difficult to have a moment of alone time to talk things out when you have a 1-year-old who needs your attention practically 24/7. So, they decided to have a night out sans baby tonight. Normally, my mother would watch my niece, Darien, but she actually had a date with her... ummm... new By the way, my mother and I are still going along with our "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. I didn't ask where she was going and she didn't tell me. Internet boyfriend or not, I don't want to know what kinds of things my mother does on a date. *shudder* Anyway, my sister asked me if I could babysit for her. Lucky for her, I had an opening in my normally overbooked schedule. It was right between "10AM: Wake up" and "1AM: Go to bed." So, I said okay. I love kids. I love my niece. And I was looking forward to spending some quality time with her one-on-one since I probably won't get to see her too much after I officially become Uncle Sam's bitch at the end of the month. Things were going well for most of the night. She played with her toys while I made dinner for myself. I ended up making one of my favorite salads, by the way - mixed greens garnished with diced red onions, Granny Smith apples, cranberries, and walnuts, all of which were topped with a dollop of Apple-Thyme vinagarette dressing. It was dead tasty! In fact, it was so dead tasty that not only did I have to change my niece's diaper after we finished eating, but I had to change my own underwear as well. The salad was so scrumptious that I kind of made a mess of my own. Oops. After I gave Darien her a bath and put her into her pajamas, I decided to settle down on the floor with her to read her a story before I put her to bed. Even Daisy the Dog decided to join us for a little story time and lay down next to me. About five minutes after I started reading, a loud bang came from outside and Daisy jumped up. As she jumped up, she managed to hit my niece's cup of juice, which I had put down next to me as well. The juice was in a spill-proof sippy cup, but unfortunately, it didn't exactly fulfill its duties. The top came flying off as soon as it hit the floor and spilled its contents everywhere. Including all over my cell phone, which I had forgotten I had also placed on the floor. As I quickly jumped up to grab my cell phone to save it from being fried to a crisp, I proceeded to do the one thing that you should never do around kids. I said the word. The mother of all words. The "F dash dash dash" word. I yelled out, "Oh, fuck!" Keep in mind, profanities rarely fly out of my mouth unless I'm really angry. Especially when I'm around children. The worst thing that normally comes out of my mouth is, "Gosh dangit!" In fact, that's my favorite "bad" phrase. Sometimes, though, I'll even say things like, "Awwww, crimite!" instead of "Shit!," or "frick" or "frickin'" for "fuck." I'm a wholesome, Southern gentleman of a boy, you know. I bit my tongue as soon as I realized what I said and I turned to look at my niece to see if she had any reaction. She didn't. She was too busy trying to rip the pages out of the book I had been reading to her just moments before. I shrugged my shoulders and figured she had been oblivious to it all. Whew. I cleaned up my cell phone and the floor and eventually forgot about what happened. Soon thereafter, my sister and her husband came home. My sister picked up Darien and took her into the kitchen where the three of us sat at the table to kind of catch up on our respective night's events. As I was making small talk with my sister, my niece was sitting in her seat with her sippy cup and some Cheerios. At one point, Daisy began to bark. It must have startled my niece because she jumped and proceeded to knock over her cup of juice. I'll give you guys one guess as to what happened next. Yep, she squealed out, "Fuck!" nice and clear. And to make matters worse, my mother just so happened to walk into the kitchen the very second my niece said it. My sister and my mother just froze, stared wide-eyed at my niece and simultaneously gasped, "What did she just say?!" I just put my head down and muttered to myself, "Crimite!" My sister loudly asked, "Where in the world did she hear that word?" I had no choice. I had to explain to my family what happened tonight. Needless to say, my mother is none too pleased, and my sister is even more pissed. But, my niece on the other hand, she couldn't be happier and more oblivious. In fact, she said it about three more times before she went to bed. And each time she said it, my sister shot me a look that could have nailed Saddam Hussein quicker than a scud missle shot 10 yards away from him. You know, my niece still can't say "Uncle Paul", but she can now say "fuck." Call me crazy, but I don't think I'm going to get one of those nifty "Uncle of the Year" mugs anytime soon. As terrible as it was and as much as I regret it, tonight's fiasco did give me an idea. Since I'm broker than a 42-year-old, greasy-haired, pimply-faced, virgin who still lives at home with his parents after a night in a strip joint, and I need money, is there anyone in the Picayune area who needs a babysitter? Kids have always loved the ol' Paulster and I don't charge an exorbitant fee. Plus, I personally guarantee that by the time you get home, your child will not only still be in one piece, but their vocabulary will have expanded exponentially. I can't promise that the new words that they will learn will be found in a book like Charlotte's Web, but you will still be shocked at what they learned. You can't ask for a better babysitter than me, folks. So, if you're interesed, just drop me an e-mail. Well, it's late and I had an exhausting evening teaching my niece things that would make my sister the proudest mommy there ever was - well, you know, if my sister was a rapper who had an affinity for using the F-word in every other sentence - so it's time for me to hit the sack. I think I'm going to feel pretty bad about what happened with my niece for a while. So, to help me feel better, how about some of you send me some gosh dang pics of boobies? I think that'll help alleviate my frickin' guilt-ridden mind tons! 1:32 a.m. - Sun., May 4, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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