mychai's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And now... the rest of the story. Introduction: I feel I must explain my previous entry. But before I do, I need to apologize to friends (family, even? I don't know who reads this anymore...) who are closest to me that I could not get in touch with. In between work and stressing over things, I haven't been able to get in touch with everybody on my list. So, I am sorry for those of you who have to find out the latest goings-on in my life in such a mass communications outlet. I've been debating whether or not I should even write about this. I have enough people out there just looking for ammunition to use against me, and this will be prime stuff. So, for those people, get your guns ready because the ammunition will be coming in droves. But this is a part of my life, and many of you who read this have been with me through thick and thin, and I feel like I would be betraying the trust of a lot of people -- friends and strangers -- if I wasn't as open and honest about the shitty things as I was the good things. Preface: Life tends to throw things at you at random. While you can anticipate the curve balls, you never truly know how you are going to feel when they are tossed your way. It's been a week now since I was tossed one huge curve ball, and while I thought I was going to be a little weird about it, I have truly surprised myself. In fact, I am happy. Happy, excited, giddy, and really, really, really excited. My thoughts have been dominated by this, and I just can't wait for what happens. So, I don't want or need anyone's disappointment or condemnation. Keeping with the curveball metaphor, imagine a baseball player hitting a grand slam from that curveball. That's me right now. It couldn't have come in a better time in my life. If you are disappointed in me, and you are someone I actually know and care about, then come to me. I will understand. I really will. And I will thank you for caring about me so much. The Story: It happened in Berlin. It was a night of drinking, of making not the best decision in the world, in making a good friendship more complicated and not as innocent as it had been (and has since been). It was a decision made with head clouded by quite a number of hefewei�en beer. I think you know what I mean. If not, this will erase your doubt: It appears that I may very well become a parental unit in about eight months. But, as I have noticed with any really great surprise in life, all things come with balance. It's the whole yin-yang thing. Nothing is as easy or good as it originally makes itself out to be. Buckle in for a week's worth of what has been going on: So, we found out on Monday during her lunch break. She came over with the EPT test. I wanted her to pee on it, not look at it, and just keep it hidden for the three-minute waiting period the instructions said the test required. She told me she was pretty sure she was, but she wanted to test and confirm. I was excited and wanted for both of us to find out together. Well, it took the amount of time to dip in her pee and bring up to place on the counter -- three or four seconds, maybe? -- for the test to come out positive. That's pretty damn quick. Now, where it gets really complicated is when you take into consideration that her boyfriend lives here now and, in fact, lives with her while a housing unit opens up on base. I asked her how she knows it is mine, and she said she is pretty much 100% certain. Girls know that kind of thing. I don't spy on her, so I don't know for certain if she is being completely honest with me. But I am taking the benefit of the doubt and am assuming she isn't lying. So, here I am, all day Tuesday and Wednesday, happy as could possibly be. Lately, I have been really wanting to settle down and start a little family. Granted, this is DEFINITELY not the best way to go about things. But, it's what happened and I can't change that. I can only motivate what happens in the future. And I promised her I would be beside her for every doctor's appointment. I would rub her feet, massage her back, serve her hand and foot. I can no longer have hemmhoroids due to a little surgery I had a few years ago, but if I could, I would get them, too. I bought a fortune of books for the both of us on Amazon. I didn't quite tell anybody around here except for one or two people just out of the fact that my head was about to explode with the need to tell people. I didn't want word to get to the boyfriend before she had a chance to tell him herself. He needed to move out, and things would be bad for him if people were snickering and whispering as he was moving. Also, I wanted to wait until the first doctor's appointment to be 100% sure. I mean, EPT is only 99.9% effective. Wednesday was going to be the day of the big revelation and fight. I offered to come up and take the brunt of the storm alongside her. She declined saying she needed to do it alone. We would meet for lunch on Thursday and I would hear the whole story and would try to help her feelings in any way possible. She came over for lunch and was actually quite chipper and happy. I knew she was unhappy in her relationship with him, but damn. I didn't realize that breaking up with him because you are preggers with someone else's kid would be cause for celebration. I asked her how it went. Yeah. Um. It didn't. In fact, not only did they not break up and they are still living together, but she told both him and her mom that she is pregnant. And, somehow -- I have NO CLUE how this could happen -- but she forgot to include the fact that Yours Truly even exists in this world. She was perfectly happy letting everyone assume that it was his kid. My heart. was. broken. I was so mad that my eyes were literally pulsing red. I couldn't talk. I was shaking. She took every bit of happiness and excitement, turned it into a weapon, and attacked me at full force. Friday night, I called and told her I needed desperately talk to her when I got off of work. The boyfriend was there, and I could hear him talking in the background. She said she didn't know if she could come over. I said please. She was wishy-washy. I said, "Look. Am I worth anything to you?" The answer: "Um. Maybe?" What. The. Fuck?!?!?! So, all day Friday I had to suffer at work with a week's worth of emotional poison pulsing through my body. I had never in my life felt like such a piece of unwanted scum. My entire body felt ill. I was just sick. The Conclusion... or is it? And that's where I am today. Saturday. I am still feeling sick. I haven't eaten anything notable since Wednesday. I have been sleeping all of two or three hours a night. And that's with me being at full dose on my meds. My body reacts so strangely to intense stress: I have been drinking tons of water every day because my mouth has just been dry as can be. Yet, I have only been to do #1 only once or twice a day. I am bloated as hell. Forget about doing #2, even though my ass feels like it wants to explode. Sorry for the graphicness of that last statement. Friday when I got off of work was when I wrote that last entry. It made me feel a little better, but not much. Being told you might be of worth to someone -- a close friend -- is not the start of a good weekend. I know it has just been a week, but I am already attached to the new one. I already love it, if that makes any sense at all. It's one of those things that surprised me. One of those things you'll understand when it happens to you. 4:51 p.m. - Saturday, Aug. 07, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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