mychai's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LEAVE. ME. ALONE!!! It seems in every setting I have been in -- school, work, volunteer groups, and on and on and on -- there is always, without fail, one person who sets his or her sights on me and makes the solemn pledge to themselves that they will change me into their respective ideal model of a human being. It�s like they come to the conclusion that I am not everything I should or could be according to the order of the universe in their minds. So, they decide to take it upon themselves to make me into their ideal. It always frustrates me so much because they always think the best way of making me succumb to their ideology is to make life so hard for me that I will just crumble and say, "You know� you are right. The way I lived my life for the past 27 years was wrong/stupid/ignorant/not funny/inefficient/etc. Because you made my life a living hell, I will from now on live life according to how things worked for you. Good job, jolly ol� chap!" One of the major things my father had to get over was that I didn�t see the world through his glasses. And since he is a wise, understanding father, he just handed me the reigns � metaphorically speaking � and gives me directions every now and then. But he realized that forcing me to do things his way was the absolute worst way of dealing with me, and instantly any rebellion I may have had went away. For the record, I didn�t have much rebellion in me. I�ve always just wanted to be left alone. Hell� I hate going to strip clubs because I end up refusing (both consciously and subconsciously) to be turned on by people whose only job is to make me feel turned on no matter what. I hate that. So, I just end up drinking beer that�s not good and watching other people, wondering what their story is. It�s the same reason why I hate pep rallies, cheerleaders, rock concerts, Christmas, fun houses, haunted houses, and anything else that is there to make me feel a certain way. I like feeling what I want to feel when I want to feel it. I don�t like being forced to be nice or else be considered an evil person at Christmas time. I don�t want to have to clap at concerts in order to show I enjoy the music. I don�t need a cheerleader to make me get excited about a football game. I don�t want to "stand up and holler", no matter if you have two bits, eight bits, or two thousand bits. Clowns are ok, though. I like clowns. The current thorn in my side is the Lieutenant here at work. He somehow got this idealized vision of who I should be into his head, and he is making my life a living hell at work because I refuse to become someone else�s (his) life vision. He doesn�t like that I can�t run a mile and a half as fast as a lot of people. So, he wants me to log five days of exercise for him. He doesn�t think I study as much as I should (though I make 100% on every f�n test I take), so he makes me come in three times a week and log an official two-hour study time each time. I just end up surfing the net for two hours. I�d rather be at home. I�d still be surfing the net, but I�d be doing it in my underwear. Every damn day we work together, he has to pull me into his office and have a heart-to-heart about how disappointing I am to him and how bad of an Airman I am. And I can�t say anything to him because last time I did I was "cocking an attitude." Maybe I was, I dunno. But I feel cornered when I am told the same depressing shit every day I work. What else does he expect? "Yes, Mr. Lieutenant! I�m a terrible person. Thanks for making me see the crappy ways I have lived my life for the past 27 years." Maybe when he gets to be 27 he can tell me what ways work for him. Usually, the people who set their sights on me are the date book calendar toting, set-my-watch-to-the-second, be thirty minutes early to everything, wake up four hours before daylight every day to scrub every surface in my apartment, rushrushrush to every meeting type person that is the complete opposite of me. I simply don�t care about 99% of the things they are extremely passionate about. It doesn�t matter if you are five minutes early to a movie or thirty minutes early. The movie�s still going to start at 7:30. The popcorn is still going to be expensive and the trailers better than the movie. I don�t care to be the utmost and best at every single thing I do. I want to be happy with my own effort and my own accomplishments. As long as I am happy and satisfied with how something turns out, I don�t care if someone did it better. When I�m 80, will I look back and care if I scored a 95% instead of a 90% on a test? Or even an 80%? Seriously doubt it, I do. My Mama�s still going to love me. I�m going to see the sun rise tomorrow. You know� the same things that would happen if I were the best. I just want to live. And let live. And be left alone. Because I�m not changing for anybody. I won't be around my computer until next Tuesday night. I'm going to LONDON, remember??? So, send all of your lovin' my way. Just don't expect a reply for a few days. 1:09 p.m. - Friday, Oct. 29, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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